Tues March 13th

Last night Olivia was in her room, the twins were in bed, and I was out in the kitchen checking my email. I heard a door open and shut several times before I called to Olivia and said "What are you doing?" She said she was in her room reading a book and I didn't say anything more. I heard a door shut and open 2 more times. Then said "Olivia stop closing the door!" and she said "I'm not even by more door." So I got up and started walking towards her room and Cody was there standing by his door with it cracked open staring at me. That little stinker had crawled out of his crib and was up messing around. The twins have both crawled out of their cribs for the last 2 or 3 mornings. So today we have made a huge change in our home today. The twins are sleeping in toddler beds tonight. I can't believe we are to that point already. This afternoon I took the twins to Wal Mart to pick out their big kid beds. Alex picked out Dora sheets and Cody picked out Tonka truck sheets. We had been given the toddler beds as hand me downs a few years ago and broke them out of storage and I put them together this evening. I put them to bed at 8:30 and they only got out of their beds twice, but they were up talking until almost 10 before going to bed. Not too bad for their first night. We will see if they stay in bed all night.
These pics are after they are asleep already....





Man my kids are cute....when they are asleep, ha! They still aren't down with sleeping with a pillow quite yet. I went into check on them when I was about to take the picture and Cody was turned sideways and Alex was at the bottom of the bed. Hopefully taking away the pillows they will stay on the bed. We will see I suppose. I posted some new pictures on my snapfish site too. Follow the link on the side bar.

On that note, I do have an extra crib that is still assembled and will probably fit in the back of a pick up that I want to get rid of ASAP. It doesn't have a mattress with it but if anyone needs a crib or knows someone who needs one it is free to a good home. I bought it at a garage sale and have had it for 2 and a half years so it isn't in perfect condition but it has worked for us. It is white. Email me or leave me a comment and come and get it out of my hair!
I have loved the weather here the last 2 days. It has been in the low to mid 70s yesterday and today. I went out and ran errands with the kids yesterday morning and early afternoon and then Olivia and I played outside during the afternoon. We washed my car and her little power wheels Jeep and then when the twins woke up we went to the park across the street. My mom came over last night to help out since I had been out with the kids all morning and was pretty sore from lifting them in and out of cars and carts. I have a hard time stopping and slowing down when I know there are things to be done. Today we also went to the park this morning with my girlfriend Aislinn and her kids. Again, love the weather! I had to go to chemo today since their schedule was really full tomorrow. One of the nurses told me that I should check around with plastic surgeons in the Denver area about the option of expanders and not a tram surgery. She said that she has known patients that have been able to go the expander route after radiation with surgeons in Denver. Good to know.... Afterwards my mom and I went to lunch at Lone Star and I got to see my friend Lauren which was nice to be able to catch up with her. The whole rest of my day and been consumed with this toddler bed thing. My girlfriend Alyssa came over around 9pm and helped me assemble a bookshelf and help me hang some hook racks in my closet to finally get all my scarfs off of my floor and put them "away". She has the skills with a power drill. I will have to take some lessons. :-) We are going to be packing and getting ready to go to Salt Lake tomorrow. We are leaving on Thursday. It will be fun to see my sister for the weekend. My kids are all so excited to see their aunt Toni and uncle Doug. Olivia said "I just love going to Toni's house!"

Monday March 12

Good Monday morning to everyone! So once again, I have had people reminding me about buddy check 9 nine day. I am totally slacking, sorry ladies. So buddy check 9 day was last Friday and everyone remember to do their self breast exam. For more information you can follow the link on the side-bar of my blog. Remember that early detection is key!!
I had a good weekend. My sister took my kids for me on Saturday morning so I could have some time by myself. I went shopping and went to lunch with my friend Aislinn. Jon had to work nights on both Friday and Saturday so I didn't see him much this weekend. I took the kids to church yesterday. It was good to get out and feel normal again. I am still sore and I forget about it almost since it isn't as painful anymore but I am quick to remember when I do something like throw toys down the hall into my daughter's room....whoops. My arm doesn't quite more like that yet. Jon left for Casper this morning at about 3am and will be there all week. Back to "normal" I suppose. Darn-it!

Friday March 9th

Today is my baby brother's 18th BD. Happy BD Mason!!!
I am still pretty sore and can't lift my arm any higher than my shoulder without it being really uncomfortable. I am enjoying our "mild" weather. It has been in the high 50's to low 60's this week and it has been awesome. The kids have been to the park about 5 times this week and love being able to get out and run around. Jon's aunt and uncle John and Clara have been here since Thursday morning and are helping me out. It was been great. They took the kids to the park both yesterday and today and also McDonald's for lunch both yesterday and today. They are staying at a hotel and even took Olivia to spend the night with them last night and she got to go swimming at their pool. They are having a blast. The twins are napping and Clara took Olivia to go shopping this afternoon so I have just been able to rest. Yesterday afternoon John and Clara stayed here while the twins napped and my mom and I went shopping for a little while in the afternoon. It was nice to just get out of the house. I haven't been of the house much since my surgery. I also went to Olivia's parent/teacher conference yesterday afternoon. Her teacher Mrs. Miller couldn't say enough nice things about her and she said she is defiantly ready for kindergarten next year. That was nice to hear since she has been a little difficult this last week. I suppose that is to be expected when she has been shuffled around and mom hasn't been able to be very attentive to her.
Jon will be working out of town in Casper next week and it is spring break so Olivia will be out of school next week. I think John and Clara are going to take Olivia for a few days back to Denver with them so that will be nice. I also think the kids and I might be able to go to Salt Lake with my Mom next Thursday through the weekend. We will get to go spend some time with my sister Toni and her husband Doug. It will be interesting to be in the car for so long with 3 kids.

Wed March 7th

I took my pain meds last night and was awake until 2am just laying in bed. Tonight I will be sure to take my Ambien before bedtime. I am happy to report that my hair is finally starting to grow. I actually NEEDED to shave my legs yesterday for the first time in months. I hate to admit that I was kinda excited. Also the hair on my head is starting to grow. I had this one match on the very top that never stopped growing all through chemo, so I buzzed it down to let the rest of my hair catch up with the stuff on top.
Jon's parents came over today to help out with the kids. Their cat dude that they have had forever had to be put to sleep this afternoon so they were kinda bummed about that. I took a nap for most of the afternoon since I didn't sleep last night which was really nice. At least I am not exhausted this evening. My mom and dad came over to help me with dinner and my mom is staying the night with me since Jon is working nights.
I painted Olivia's nails this afternoon and Cody was so mad that she was getting her's painted and he couldn't have his, so I just painted his too. Oh well, what are you going to do when you only have sisters to play with? He's so cute!!
Have to go catch LOST. I am addicted to that show!

Tues March 6th

Recovery is going slow and steady. I seem to be doing a little better every day. I have had family and friends over every day to help out with the kids. Lifting still hurts and I am still very bruised so even having my arm by my side is uncomfortable. Jon has been working nights this week so I had my mom stay over on Sunday. My sister Amy left on Monday night. I was so glad that she was able to come out with my niece Marnie and help out. It was so nice to get to visit with her and have her be there. I miss her so much living so far away.
Yesterday afternoon Alex was sitting on my lap and elbowed me pretty hard and then at dinner Olivia accidentally ran into me. It was defiantly a set back. Today I went to the surgeon's office for my post op appointment. He took off the steri stripes and he also removed the drain. OUCH is all I have to say about that. It only took a few seconds but man it hurt. I was holding my side on the dressing putting pressure on it the whole rest of the night. I also loaded up on the pain pills again. It does feel good to have it out and not pulling on my skin but now it hurts. My incisions otherwise seem to be healing nicely. I am really bruised though. It looks like someone colored all over my chest with a florescent yellow highlighter. Dr. Chiavetta said it would be okay to shower before I went to bed tonight without having to worry about covering up my surgery site. I had to peel the gauze off the site where they removed my drain today because I was holding it so tight all evening that it healed to the gauze. Now it is hurting again. What a process. The surgeon also said that I should try to move my arm around to get my full range of motion back even though it is uncomfortable. He said that since I didn't have to do a full lymph node dissection it should be too long before I have my full range of motion back. All I can say is that it defiantly looks like a battle ground on my chest. It is a good thing that I am small breasted so I won't have to worry to much about looking uneven or buying an expensive prosthesis.
Yesterday I read this autobiography that my fellow breast cancer fighter Shari Robinson had let me borrow about one of her relatives. I started reading it last night and couldn't put it down. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and fought it and was fine for a few years and then they found cancer in her ovaries. It was so interesting to read about her journey and all the things that she did to try and fight this awful disease. She did so many trial studies and flew all over the world for treatments. What a brave women. She was fighting for her life and what an amazing example of courage her story is to me. I am so glad that I am doing everything in my power to fight this and hopefully it won't return anywhere else. Thanks for loaning it to me Shari!

Sunday March 4th

It is finally over! I am happy to say my mastectomy surgery is at last behind me. Thanks to everyone who sent encouraging thoughts to me. They helped out tremendously.

I went into the surgery center at the hospital on Wednesday morning at 8am. Jon and my mom both came with me. I went into pre op about 8:30 to get ready and change into my really hot hospital outfit that drowns my body and get my IV started. I was told at my pre admission appointment that they wouldn't be able to use my port which was frustrating. Then the nurse told me that they could use it but it would take awhile for the "IV team" to come and tap it. I should have just had them do that in the beginning but the nurse made it sound like such a pain I went ahead and let her start an IV in my hand. It hurt from the beginning. She said oh your hands are small and the IV is hitting the "y" in your hand so they had to keep pulling it out/in when giving me my meds. I was also told on the pre admission appointment that I shouldn't take my Ativan (anit anxiety med) before coming to the hospital and that they would give me something when I was there and admitted. I of course asked the nurse about this right away and she said when we get you down to radiology they can give you something. The nurse even wrote the word yes on my right side so they were sure that they did the surgery on the correct side. Kinda funny. Here I am waiting for our trip down to radiology.

We were sent down to radiology at about 9am. When I asked the ultrasound lady about my anti anxiety medication she said, who told you that we would do that? I thought oh here we go, everyone is passing the buck off so they don't have to be the one to tell me that I don't get to be drugged up for the procedure. We waited for about 20 min and then they did have someone come down to give me something to calm my nerves. During this procedure they have an ultrasound technician mark 4 places that they were to inject the nuclear medicine. This medicine would travel through the breast tissue and drain into my lymph nodes. They use it to identify the sentinel lymph node during surgery. The sentinel node is the 1st one of the lymph nodes that drains the breast. This is the node that they want to remove to test and see if cancer has spread. So the procedure consisted of the radiologist giving me 4 shots of lidocaine or whatever it is they use to numb you up, and then 4 shots of the nuclear medicine in the same spots. After this we were wheeled back down to the pre op area to wait. I was supposed to go into surgery at noon but they were running a little late. I met my anesthesiologist and he was asking me all these questions about being under general anesthesia and then asked if I wanted some more of the anti anxiety med. I paused for a min and then he said "I am not stingy with my medicine so just tell me if you want some. " From that moment on I was wondering, "Is this man single? I think I love him." Of course I opted for more. Jon pointed out that he was wearing a wedding ring and that I was already married. Jon was being a smarty pants and the doc had said "We need a catheter for this gentleman in the corner." It was funny. It seemed like everyone Jon, my mom, and I joked around with that morning were all very straight forward and not having any of our joking attitudes so it was a relief after met him.

I went into surgery right around 1pm and when I woke up in the recovery room I remember asking what time it was and they said 3:30. The next little while was a blur. I remember that they people wheeling me from recovery to my room were training on how to push the hospital beds. The guy was instructing the girl on how to take the corners wide. I then remember getting to my room and them wanting me to move into the other bed and thinking there is no way that I can move myself. They were quick to point out that they had a "slide" that I had to roll over on and then they would lift me into the other bed. Thank goodness. The nurse was the first person I noticed because I used to work with her at Chili's. Her name was Lacey. She was so nice. I loved all my nurses. Jon, my mom, and his parents were all in my room within minutes. Also there were a few nurses that came in with several flowers and a cookie arrangement. They were all so pretty and everyone that came into my room over the next few days said is smelled so wonderful in there. They hooked me up to a morphine pump that I could control when I felt sick. When my mom and Jon's parents left I got up to go to the bathroom and was really light headed and ended up getting sick. They weren't sure if it was the anesthesia or the pain med. It was a long night. Jon left at around 7 or so, I think. They gave me some anti nausea med and also an anti itching med. The anti nausea med just made me pass out.

When I woke up in the morning I was still feeling pretty nauseous. My surgeon Dr. Chiavetta came to see me and said, it didn't look like I would probably be released that day since I wasn't tolerating the pain med very well and my blood pressure was really low. He did say that the initial biopsy on the lymph nodes were clear and no cancer was found in them. They would get the biopsy report from the breast tissue later that afternoon. My friend Laine came to see me that morning and then Jon brought Olivia up to see me around lunch time. They ended up changing my pain med to perkacet at lunch time and I seemed to feel somewhat better. Karen also came to see me that afternoon and then my brother came around dinner time. I ended up getting the runs after dinner time which was surprising because I had been told the pain meds always seem to plug you up so I was taking stool softener. My girlfriends Aislinn and Alyssa came to visit for awhile in the evening. The surgeon came back again to see me Thursday evening and said that they did find cancer cells in the breast tissue. They found Ductal carcinoma in situ. I asked if it was only in the area that they would have taken out in the lumpectomy and he said that he wasn't sure. He said that they cancer they found was probably the beginning stages of my cancer. This wasn't invasive cancer yet, so the chemo had killed the cells down to the point that it was contained to the milk ducts. Dr. Chiavetta did say that this cancer was very hard to get clear margins on when they do lumpectomies so if I had decided to do a lumpectomy there would have been a good chance that they would have had to go back and do a mastectomy anyway. All in all he said that he felt very confident in the route that I took for surgery. I felt so awesome that I followed the personal revelation that I had received telling me to do the mastectomy. Thanks for everyone's support on that decision.

They left just in time to miss me running back and forth from my bed to the bathroom for the next couple of hours. I also ended up throwing up again that evening. They were thinking that again I wasn't tolerating the pain medicine very well. I ended up switching over the Vicadin the next morning and felt much better. I was loaded up on the anti nausea med Friday morning again. I almost fell asleep in my breakfast. Powerful stuff, but I really needed the rest so that was nice. My parents came to hang out that morning and just ended up watching me sleep. My mom ended up staying with me until I was released and learned out to empty my drain. I have a a 5 inch incision across my right breast, and a 3 inch incision under my arms where they removed my lymph nodes. I also have an opening on my side about 6 inches under my armpit where my drain is coming out of my body. The drain itself is pinned on my shirt so it doesn't pull against my skin.

When I came home I saw this huge banner hanging up in my window from the Activity girls at my church. It was so nice.

Olivia and the neighbors Pam and Ann that watched the kids on Wednesday also made me these posters.
What a nice welcome home. I had a bunch of flowers and a couple different cookie bouquets.
Olivia stayed the night with my friend Aislinn on Friday and was able to play with her daughter Bella. Friday night went okay. I am so sore from only laying on my back to sleep. Jon took all the kids and went down to the boat and RV show in Denver with Aislinn and Desi and also his parents. It was nice to relax round my house. My mom came over in the morning and my sister Amy who is in town hung out with me in the afternoon. My Dad brought us lunch from Chilis. It was my Dad's birthday yesterday. Thanks for spending your Bday taking care of me dad. Happy Birthday. My girlfriend Abbey stopped by for a bit yesterday afternoon to say hey and my sister Heather brought us a yummy dinner. Our friends Tommy and Sheri and a few of their kids came over to visit us last night and the girls played with the kids and helped us get them into bed.

Last night was a little more bearable. Jon helped me set up the pillows so I could at least lay on my side. My parents came and got the kids and took them to church this morning and just planning on relaxing some more and taking it easy. Here is a pic of me this morning holding tight to my ice pack!

Mon Feb 26th

CALL TO ACTION!
Hey everyone, first of all let me say thanks to everyone for all their encouraging words over the weekend. I feel much more at ease about going "under the knife". I had a busy weekend which was nice way to get my mind off of things. Jon got home late Friday night so me and the kids went and had pizza with my girlfriend Abbey and her kids. Saturday Jon was busy working on the electrical in our basement with his buddy Seth and I went shopping with my mom in the morning and took Olivia swimming with my friend Courtnee and her boys in the afternoon. Courtnee and Seth's family stayed for dinner and my friend Lanie also stopped by to help set my mind at ease about surgery, something she is all to familiar with. Sunday we went to church and spent time with my parents. Jon and my dad were able to give me a blessing last night and I feel much better today and was able to sleep better last night. All and all very busy and very fun.
Today I was thinking more about going into surgery and having all that time sitting in the hospital and thought of a way I think everyone could help me. I was going to put a little book together with inspirational thoughts. I thought if everyone could think of their favorite inspirational quote, saying, song lyrics, scripture, pretty much anything that inspires you or helps you get through hard times and email it to me at elizajonbrock@msn.com I could print off the emails and have them to look through. Nothing super long so I will have time to get them all together. Sort of a way for all my friends, family, friends of friends, anyone who has followed my blog to be there for me during the not so fun time. If everyone could find a minute to email me that by tomorrow night that would be a tremendous help for me. I love you all very much and don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for everything and be back soon!!

Friday Feb 23rd

"There's nothing like a left threatening illness to make you think about what's important. Even if you're not going to die anytime soon, the thought of the possibility of death is enough to get your mind to focus. You grab on to the things in your life that are a blessing and a privilege to be a part of, and you tend to let go of the things that aren't. Treatment sometimes makes it impossible to enjoy these things- but the hope is that treatment is only temporary."

This is out of a book I started to read a few days ago called The Victoria Secret Catalog never stops coming. Embarking on my mastectomy surgery I thought this might be an amusing read over the next few days. (Thanks Jennifer!) I read this last night and it helped me to relax my mind a bit.
It has been a pretty long week. Jon has been working out of town again and the kids have been pretty well behaved but I am a nervous wreak. I am getting ready for my surgery next Wednesday. I went to Herceptin on Wednesday afternoon and then went and registered Olivia for Kindergarten. I can't believe that she is already old enough to be going to Kindergarten. Yesterday I had my friend Shari offer to come over and help me out with the kids while I ran some errands and went to a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. It is so much easier to do errands without dragging 3 kids in and out of every place that should be a quick stop. I went to see Dr. Tsoi (pronounced Choy) yesterday afternoon. He is a plastic surgeon. I wanted to have a realistic idea of the outcome of my body after all this cancer business. He told me that because I was going to do radiation that the route of reconstruction relying on tissue expander's and an implant probably wasn't going to work for me. Radiation leaves the skin very UN-flexible and hard to work with. He explained that it fries all the blood vessels in the skin. He said that a better route for me to go was to do a TRAM surgery which would transplant tissue from my tummy or my back into my breast area to get the blood circulation back in that area and provide better insulation for an implant. Being that I have about zero extra skin or fat on my tummy he suggested that taking it from my back was a better plan. I was pretty depressed to hear this news. Not only would I have to deal with healing around my breast but also in the area where the tissue is transplanted. Not to mention the giant scars it would leave in both places. Also the fact that the skin is a different color in those areas than it is in your breast. He also used the analogy that reconstruction surgery using transplanted tissue is like robbing Peter to pay Paul. Meaning I could have other complications in the area that tissue is taken from while trying to use those muscles that are no longer there. We watched a short video about reconstruction. (I love that all the women in these brochures and videos are at least 50) We also got to see pictures of other patients that have gone through the procedures. That was a treat. They are reconstructed so they look normal with clothes on, without is a different story. They look almost Frankenstein-ish. 2 different skin tones, scars everywhere. Women who were able to go the expander and implant route looked a million times better in my opinion. The goal is to appear normal over clothes but I just hadn't prepared myself enough I guess to look so different. I was so angry and depressed after leaving his office. I hate what cancer has done to me and what it is still going to be taking away from me! I guess you can't always have good days. I am still not having 2nd thoughts on doing the mastectomy, I just wish that I could face this part of my treatment thinking that I would still look OK in the end, maybe not great but not like Frankenstein. I am going to go and get a 2nd opinion after I start my radiation and they can see a little better what to expect with the skin damage from radiation. The one good news that I received was that I would only have to wait 6 months to start reconstruction (after radiation) and not a full year. Needless to say I am still feeling rather bummed and depressed today and now that much more nervous about my surgery that is only 5 days away. Leave me a comment and cheer me up!!

Sun Feb 18th

Wow, what a long week! And it is about to start all over again. Jon was out of town in Salida all week and he is leaving again tomorrow to go to Shiprock Falls, New Mexico coming back this Friday. Monday and Tuesday were pretty uneventful and Wednesday I was able to go and help out in Olivia's preschool class. They did a valentine exchange and Olivia was pretty excited to be able to do show and tell. We had a good time together. It's a bummer I had to miss out on getting to help out during the first part of the year. I went in and did my Herceptin on Wednesday afternoon and they also started doing a blood draw to measure my tumor markers. From what the nurse said they measure protein levels in my blood and they are drawn on a regular basis. They will follow the trend in those levels and hopefully be able to determine if my body is forming other tumors elsewhere in the body. That is the general idea anyway. My mom was nice enough to have me and the kids over for dinner on Wednesday and gave me a little bit of a break from dealing with meal time alone. Let me just say I am so glad I am not a single mom with 3 kids. I don't know how people do that single parent thing. It is hard! Thursday I was able to meet up with a gal named Shari that has a daughter that attends the same preschool as Olivia that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The kids played and we were able to visit. It was neat to be able to exchange experiences with her because she has already had her mastectomy and just started chemo. She was able to share surgery stuff with me and I was able to share chemo stories with her. It has been wonderful to meet so many amazing people because of this disease. (even though the circumstances are pretty crappy) I waited around Thursday afternoon for the cable guy, the infamous between 1pm and 5pm appointment time. What a joke. He finally called at 4:45 and said he was 2o min away. He ended up running into some problems and didn't end up leaving until 7:15. I did get my DVR at the end of all that mess though so that is exciting. I always seem to miss my shows or mess up the recording on the VCR. Friday it was incredibly windy and then started snowing in the late afternoon. I am so sick of this weather. It is depressing. Jon got home on Friday afternoon. We went to a church activity on Friday night. It was a valentine's activity just for adults and was fun to get to know some other couples in our ward. Saturday morning Jon's parents came and picked up Olivia. They took her up to Estes Park for the day and kept her overnight so Jon and I could get away for the evening. My parents watched the twins overnight for us. We went down to Denver for dinner with our friends Aislinn and Desi and also Vernon and Kira. We ate in Lower Downtown at an Italian restaurant called Maggiano's Little Italy. It was so delicious. It was a ton of fun to hang out with friends and just get away for a bit since I hadn't seen Jon all week. Here is a picture of the 6 of us at dinner.

After dinner we went to a dueling piano bar called sing sing. The piano players there are amazing and they can play pretty much anything you request. Aislinn and Kira put in a request to try and get me up on stage and have them play "I'm to Sexy" but instead the piano players asked me to come up there with a bunch of other people that had birthdays or anniversaries and do the Hokey Pokey in front of everyone. It was embarrassing but pretty funny.

Aislinn, Desi, Jon, and I also went dancing at Polly Esther's afterwards. They played 80's music and it was pretty funny to just hang out and be silly grooving to the 80's. The 4 of us stayed down in Denver overnight. It was a good way to take my mind off all the thoughts and stress of the week. We took some other pictures and I have some new pictures of the kids on my snapfish link.

I am pretty nervous about my surgery. I have been taking Ambien at night to try and sleep and not lay awake thinking about it. I still feel that having the mastectomy is the right choice for me and have felt that personal revelation from Heavenly Father. I feel at peace with this when I pray about it. I know the lord is watching over me and I have faith that I am doing the right thing, but I am still scared to live the reality of going through with it. I am scared to look different, to deal with the pain, to deal with multiple reconstructive surgeries, pretty much scared of ever aspect of it. My husband used a good analogy earlier when we had our home teachers over and were discussing it. He said that faith is like walking into a dark cave and having a candle in your hand and only being able to see the small part of the cave directly in front of you. I have to take my faith (my candle) and put my trust in that and know that while I only see the light directly in front of me, the lord is able to see everything. Even though I am scared to go through with it I have to put my trust in the lord and know that he will be there every step of the way.

Sunday Feb 11th

So amidst my stressful last few days I have neglected to remind everyone of buddy check 9 day. It has come and gone but still sending out the monthly reminder telling everyone it is time to do your monthly self breast exam!
I went in to see my oncologist on Friday. I am so confused right now. She asked if my surgeon was surprised at my MRI results seeing as how they cannot detect anything signs of cancer any longer. I told her that yes he was but that I had still decided to go ahead with the mastectomy. She was very surprised and just said, "You are, but why??" When I explained my worries about getting breast cancer again later she said that if I was going to have one based on that theory that I should go ahead and do a double mastectomy because I had just as much of a risk of getting it on the left side as the right. I hadn't really thought about it that way, but it makes perfect sense. She said that I could always do the lumpectomy now and then have a mastectomy surgery after 5 years. In her way of thinking, over the next 5 years I have a much greater risk of the cancer that I already have coming back in a far away place in my body, most likely my lungs or liver, and not my breast. Not having a 2nd breast cancer develop. In my mind I am thinking that since it is not able to be found currently in my breast and it is gone, why would it come back somewhere else? And even after the next 5 years, I am in a higher risk group of getting a 2nd breast cancer. Since I am hoping to live longer than 5 years I would rather just have the mastectomy now and not be thinking about having it in 5 years when I am healthy. Just get it over with now. She also said that since I would have to wait to do reconstruction for 1 year that I could always have the left mastectomy done when I go in for reconstruction so they could just place the tissue expanders in at the same time of surgery on that side. I am still thinking about doing that. I am just confused because the surgeon and the oncologist both said either choice was okay and then it seemed she was disappointed that I chose the mastectomy. She just said, I don't think you realize what your getting yourself into with reconstruction after radiation. It is a long, hard, and painful road to do reconstruction and you are never going to look the same again. She did leave saying that again, I needed to choose the right thing for me and what she may choose for her might be different then what I would choose for me in the same circumstances. I liked it better when they just said, this is what you have to do. I know it is going to be a long road still after surgery but I would rather just do it now and get it over with then wait 10 or how ever many years down the road and get breast cancer again. It isn't like they know what caused all this in the first place so I can't really avoid whatever it is that caused it all. If I have already had it once, who's to say I won't get it again. No thanks! I will take my chances of not having "nice breasts" then not being around for my kids or even grandkids. So I have still made up my mind to go ahead with the mastectomy despite all the ups and downs of the week. Now I just have to wait the 2 and a 1/2 weeks for the big day. How exactly do you carry on without being totally nervous and stressed about that?? I guess a lot of Ambien, huh? Jon will be working out of town in Salida again this coming week and then somewhere in New Mexico the following week so he will be here the week I have surgery. Hopefully my kids will be on their best behavior for me for the next little bit. I can hope at least :-)

Thurs Feb 8th

Yesterday my hair started falling out again, the peach fuzz more like. It usually starts falling out right before I go in again for treatment so it was right on time. At least from now on I know I will get to get everything I grow from this point on, right? I also have another big canker sore between my gums and cheek. Ouch, but not as bad as the one on the tip of my tongue.
I talked to the surgeon Dr. Chiavetta today. He also told me that I could do either surgery and that since my case was very unique that he would feel comfortable with either treatment for me. Since I am so young and my tumor was so large to start out with, he said they don't have a lot of scientific evidence that one option is any better than the other. In my way of thinking I am still going with the aggressive treatment so I can look back and have no regrets if I do have breast cancer again later in life. I am going to have a simple mastectomy done on the right side. I will have surgery on the 28th of February have have to stay overnight at Poudre Valley Hospital. I will go in to radiology that morning and they will inject a radioactive substance into the previous tumor site that will help them identify the sentinel lymph node. Then at noon I will go ahead with the surgery. The surgeon said that I will have a drain in the surgical site for about 2 weeks to drain off fluid that collects in that area. I don't have any set limitations, he said that I was allowed to do anything that felt comfortable and not to really expect to be lifting for about a week. I will have a small incision under my arm where the lymph nodes will be removed and then a horizontal incision across my breast. I have fasted and prayed about this decision and feel like it is the right one for me, but at the same point it hasn't made it any easier to accept. The thought of it all is much easier that the reality of having the discussion with the surgeon and setting a date.

Tues Feb 6th

My girlfriend Alyssa just emailed me about this new Josh Groban song, You are loved. What a feel good song. So I decided to put it on my blog to share with everyone. I am doing well this week and think I will be able to go to Olivia's preschool class and parent help for the FIRST time this year. I am so excited. It is a bummer that I have had to miss out on that time with her. The rest of my week is full of Dr. appointments. My annual tomorrow (yipee), surgeon on Thurs, and the Onc on Friday. I get to have my monthly massage on Thursday also though so that will be awesome. Also all the new season's shows start this week LOST and Survivor, I am both addicted too. We have had two days that have reached over the 40 degree mark and the snow is finally starting to melt~ a little. My neighbor down the street emailed me this about the weather this morning and I thought it was comical:

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Colorado plant gardens.
50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Denver sunbathe.
40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Colorado drive with the windows down.
32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Golden gets thicker.
20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Colorado throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Colorado have the last cookout before it gets cold. Zero: People in Miami all die. Denverites close the windows.
10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Colorado get out their winter coats.
25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Colorado are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Colorado let the dogs sleep indoors. 100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Denverites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
460 below zero: ALL atomic motion s tops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Colorado start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Denver public schools will open 2 hours late.


I also wanted to pass on an email I received about the new breast cancer stamp:

THE STAMP Please read the following story and follow the instructions at the end! Thank You . Like most elementary schools, it was typical to have a parade of students in and out of the health clinic throughout the day. We dispensed ice for bumps and bruises, Band-Aids for cuts, and liberal doses of sympathy and hugs. As principal, my office was right next door to the clinic, so I often dropped in to lend a hand and help out with the hugs. I knew that for some kids, mine might be the only one they got all day.One morning I was putting a Band-Aid on a little girl's scraped knee. Her blond hair was matted, and I noticed that she was shivering in her thin little sleeveless blouse. I found her a warm sweatshirt and helped her pull it on. "Thanks for taking care of me," she whispered as she climbed into my lap and snuggled up against me. It wasn't long after that when I ran across an unfamiliar lump under my arm. Cancer, an aggressively spreading kind, had already invaded thirteen of my lymph nodes. I pondered whether or not to tell the students about my diagnosis. The word breast seemed so hard to say out loud to them, and the word cancer seemed so frightening.When it became evident that the children were going to find out one way or another, either the straight scoop from me or possibly a garbled version from someone else, I decided to tell them myself. It wasn't easy to get the words out, but the empathy and concern I saw in their faces as I explained it to them told me I had made the right decision. When I gave them a chance to ask questions, they mostly wanted to know how they could help. I told them that what I would like best would be their letters, pictures and prayers. I stood by the gym door as the children solemnly filed out. My little blond friend darted out of line and threw herself into my arms. Then she stepped back to look up into my face. "Don't be afraid, Dr. Perry," she said earnestly, "I know you'll be back because now it's our turn to take care of you." No one could have ever done a better job. The kids sent me off to my first chemotherapy session with a hilarious book of nausea remedies that they had written. A video of every class in the school singing get-well songs accompanied me to the next chemotherapy appointment. By the third visit, the nurses were waiting at the door to find out what I would bring next. It was a delicate music box that played "I Will Always Love You." Even when I went into isolation at the hospital for a bone marrow transplant, the letters and pictures kept coming until they covered every wall of my room. Then the kids traced their hands onto colored paper, cut them out and glued them together to make a freestanding rainbow of helping hands. "I feel like I've stepped into Disneyland every time I walk into this room," my doctor laughed. That was even before the six-foot apple blossom tree arrived adorned with messages written on paper apples from the students and teachers. What healing comfort I found in being surrounded by these tokens of their caring. At long last I was well enough to return to work. As I headed up the road to the school, I was suddenly overcome by doubts. What if the kids have forgotten all about me? I wondered, What if they don't want a skinny bald principal? What if. I caught sight of the school marquee as I rounded the bend. "Welcome Back, Dr. Perry," it read. As I drew closer, everywhere I looked were pink ribbons - ribbons in the windows, tied on the doorknobs, even up in the trees. The children and staff wore pink ribbons, too. My blond buddy was first in line to greet me. "You're back, Dr. Perry, you're back!" she called. "See, I told you we'd take care of you!" As I hugged her tight, in the back of my mind I faintly heard my music box playing . . . "I will always love you."
We need those of you who are great at forwarding on information with your e-mail network. Please read and pass this on. It would be wonderful if 2007 were the year a cure for breast cancer was found!!!! This is one email you should be glad to pass on. The notion that we could raise $35 million by buying a book of stamps is powerful! As you may be aware, the US Postal Service recently released its new "Fund the Cure" stamp to help fund breast cancer research. The stamp was designed by Ethel Kessler of Bethesda, Maryland. It is important that we take a stand against this disease that affects so many of our Mothers, Sisters and Friends. Instead of the normal 37 cents for a stamp, this one costs 40 cents The additional 3 cents will go to breast cancer research A "normal" book costs $7.40. This one is only $8.00. It takes a few minutes in line at the Post Office and means so much. If all stamps are sold, it will raise an additional $35,000,000 for this vital research. Just as important as the money is our support. What a statement it would make if the stamp outsold the lottery this week. What a statement it would make that we care. I urge you to do two things TODAY: 1. Go out and purchase some of these stamps. 2. E-mail your friends to do the same. Many of us know women and their families whose lives are turned upside-down by breast cancer. It takes so little to do so much in this drive. We can all afford the $0.60. Please help & pass it on.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Friday Feb 2nd

Hi there and hello all. It's kinda exciting to say I really don't have much to report this week. I have been feeling better and better every day this week and that is always nice. Not quite back to feeling 100% but I will take 85% any day lately. Jon was working near town this week (Boulder) during the day which has been nice to have him home at night. We went out to the Carousel Dinner theatre last Saturday night for Jon's birthday and saw The Music Man. It was a fun show to watch and we had a pretty good time.
I went to Herceptin on Wednesday which only takes about an hour so that is a nice switch. I also found out that the results from my MRI are great. They didn't even find any traces of anything on my right side. I will now be waiting to speak to my surgeon on the 8th about what kind of surgery I am going to have. I am still leaning towards doing a mastectomy on the right side just because I am young and would be so mad at myself if I did get it again and hadn't been aggressive in trying to get rid of it the first time around. I never want to have to go through this again, and I want to do everything in my power to make sure that I don't.
Jon is working on plumbing in the basement tonight and is going to try and get the framing all done this weekend. A little at a time I suppose. It will be nice when we have it finished and have the space for this kids to spread out. The twins room is a nightmare by the time the two cribs are stuffed in there, a dresser, and all their toys there is barley any room to walk around. We went to my nephew's first birthday party this evening. We had pizza for dinner and so far one of my nephews has gotten sick and Olivia has been sick twice since eating. That darn cheese pizza. The twins wouldn't even eat it. I was mad at the time but am now thanking my lucky stars that I don't have 3 kiddos throwing up. Nothing else too exciting to report.

Thurs Jan 25th

Well for the first morning in a week and a half I actually woke up not feeling nauseous which was a welcomed break. My sister has been an absolute hero this last week. I don't know what I would have done without her. Jon left on Monday morning and she has been here all week. She is flying home this evening and Jon should be back sometime today. Perfect timing. Last weekend we didn't do anything. I felt so horrible that Jon spent the whole weekend taking care of me while I lounded around. Then he left for Salida again this past Monday. The week was also pretty uneventful. Toni and I took the kids to Toys R Us on Tuesday and they each got to pick out a new toy from their aunt so they really enjoyed that. I felt like an old lady walking around the store. I had to sit down about 10 different times because I was so tired. We still have snow on the ground and icy, slushy roads from before Christmas. The weather guy said that we have had snow on the ground for almost 4o days and the record is 60 some days. It would be nice to just have it warm up enough to get the ice off of our neighborhood roads. It is such a pain taking the kids out in this.
I was able to get a surgery date scheduled for the 28th of February. I still don't know what surgery I will end up having but it is nice to have a date so that my other sister, Amy, could make travel plans to be here to help out. I also found out that I have to wait 6 weeks after surgery to start radiation. Then do 6 weeks of radiation. Nothing like dragging out the process. Jon and I were thinking about getting away for a few days in May, but I guess we will have to wait.
My eyelashes are all gone. Total bummer. I could deal with my eyebrows since they were practically non existent to begin with but my thick, long, big eyelashes are another story. I went with my sister to get some false ones yesterday that look pretty good but itch on my skin. It looks pretty funny not to have any hair, eyebrows, or lashes.
I got a gift subscription to netflix for Christmas from my work that has been awesome. It is so convenient to just be able to pick out movies online and have them come in the mail. They have been fun to watch while I am feeling down and out.
I went in for Herceptin yesterday. It is nice to go in and be done in about an hour. Much nicer than camping out there for 1/2 the day. My sister and I met my parents and brother Mason last night to go out to eat. Our friends Vernon and Kira watched my kids so we could have an adult night out. It was really nice. I have my breast MRI on Friday afternoon and then I don't meet with my surgeon until the 8th. I am taking Jon out on Saturday for his belated birthday celebration. We are going to see the Music Man at the Carousel Dinner Theatre in Fort Collins. Hopefully it is fun.
My friend Aislinn is hosting a Layers Clothing Open House Party for me next Thursday night from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. If anyone is interested in ordering something but won't be able to make it you can look at their website at www.layersclothing.com and let me know via email at elizajonbrock@msn.com or if you need directions to my house and are interested in coming you can also email me. I love their shirts and they are having a big sale right now so that is a bonus. All the proceeds will go towards my medical bills. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Friday Jan 19th

What's up Jason?? Here is the newest groupie sports fans. This is Jason Kamigaki. He is my friend Jenn's little brother. Also my friend :-) By the way Jas, you da man!! He and his wife just opened their restaurant Chicago Times in Johnstown and I hear it is some good eats, so everyone should stop by there and try it out!

Well the good news is I had my last FEC treatment on Wednesday, but the bad news is that it has been a horribly long week. Jon had to go out of town this week to work in Salida. He left really early Monday morning and just got home this afternoon. Olivia was really sick on Friday night with what we though was food poisoning. She threw up about 5 times during the night and then was fine by Saturday afternoon.

Monday I had my appointment with Dr. M to talk more about surgery options and the rest of my regiment. No matter what way we decide to go with surgery I have to have 6 weeks, yes, 6 weeks of radiation. Monday through Friday with the weekends off. That was a bit longer than I had anticipated. I had all sorts of questions for her about surgery. Since we had always planned on doing the mastectomy from the beginning that is what I have been preparing myself for and with this other option I am having my doubts. She has always said, "Eliza your young and we want to be really aggressive in trying to get rid of this." So that has also been my mind set. I would just hate to do something less than aggressive the first time and then have it come back and say man if I just would have gotten rid of this thing in the first place....yada yada. She did say that it was still my choice to do whatever surgery that I would feel the most comfortable with and that it would probably be best to make a final determination after I did my final breast MRI next week and then meet with my surgeon Dr. Chiavetta. I left feeling kinda defeated thinking that I would be leaving this appointment with a definite answer on "the next step". All in good time I suppose. Also I found out at my appointment that I would have to start taking a prescription for progesterone since I can't seem to stop my period. (lovely)

Needless to say Olivia must have gotten a bug because by Monday night I was sicker than a dog also. After going through chemo for 6 months and not throwing up I defiantly got my fill in on Monday night. If I wasn't on the toilet every hour I was hanging over it. YUCK! Good thing my mom loves me and lives close by. She came to my rescue on Tuesday morning and stayed with me and the kids until my sister Toni got back into town on Tuesday afternoon. When I called the doctor to ask if I still had to do chemo the next day they unfortunately said yes, unless I was still throwing up. (I should have made myself throw up again that afternoon) Who knew that my last chemo would be my very hardest. I could hardly walk in the room without having the overwhelming urge to vomit all over the place from the smell. On top of the fact that the progesterone was supposed to make me stop my period it can make you a little "weepy". That's a nice way of putting it in my book. The morning started off with someone across the room making a comment about how this was her 4th time with cancer........REALLY!?!? Apparently that made her the president of the club. Super. Is that now what I have to look forward to, counting down the years until I have to go through all this crap all over again? I am sure you can all see where the rest of that day went. It actually wasn't too horrible emotionally compared to Thursday. I did make it through the rest of Wednesday with the help of a lot of Ativan (anti anxiety) medicine from my favorite nurse Judy. I just couldn't even stand to see my IV drip the red nasty medicine down into me. I had to cover up the line with the blanket. Also on my list of "can't stands" at the moment are ice chips. I have to eat ice chips during that infusion to slow down the blood flow to my mouth to prevent mouth sores. I never thought ice could also want to make you vomit. Well believe me it can. Good news was that I don't have to have any shots for white or red blood counts. After I had finished with my treatment I all of a sudden developed a fever and started shivering really bad. They think I could have developed an infection and so got the shivering under control and pumped me up with some benedryl. I went home and went straight to bed. Again thank goodness for my family and Jon's parents being her to help out with everything.

Thursday I got up and went to hydration with my sister Toni feeling surprisingly not nauseous for the first time in days. Odd. But okay I'll take it. When I got to hydration of course the nausea kicked right in. Again, super. I did meet this really nice girl that just started her treatment. She is the same age as me (sucks for us) but hopefully will be nice to get to know. We also sat with another older woman who decided to tell us all about how she was dealing with breast cancer and her sister had breast cancer and then about how some sweet little 4 year boy she was related to was killed recently by chasing his ball into the street.....Enter "weepy"emotional psycho Eliza. I am sorry but a person can only take so many depressing stories. Why can't people tell nice stories. There are also plenty of those out there, aren't there? Enter my hero nurse with some more Ativan. I couldn't stop crying the whole rest of the day. I tried to get into the bath and my hot water heater had gone out from the wind the night before. Hmmm, so much for the one thing that might make me feel better. Mom mom, sister, and I loaded up the kids and went to her house so I could take a bath and they could keep my children away from their crazed mother. My sister ended up coming back to my house with me last night to stay over and we watched some friends episode. Those will really bring up your mood. They are pretty funny. I am glad to say that that day is behind me.

Today I had hydration again and have been feeling pretty horrible, although not "weepy". I hope everyone else is finding the humor in that word. Today has proven to be quite uneventful, which is fine with me. Jon got home this afternoon and also found out that he gets to do the same thing next week. Delightful. I took a nap this afternoon and have been pretty much just lying around all evening. Olivia went over to grandma Mondy's house to have a sleepover with my other niece Caylee. She was pretty excited. No big news for us this weekend, probably just trying to recooperate. Jon's birthday is on Sunday but we are going to go out and celebrate next weekend when I am feeling better. I don't have my breast MRI until next Friday and then I meet with my surgeon on the 8th. Hopefully I can move that up a bit so I can get a surgery date nailed down. My sister Amy is going to try and fly out to help when I have surgery. Well that is about all the excitement I can handle for one week, so until next time.....

Wed Jan 10th

This morning I had to go in for my Herceptin infusion. Pretty much normal. Short and sweet. Last Wednesday at my Herceptin infusion I found out that I was anemic which meant I had to start getting shots of Aranesp. They give it to you in your stomach and it's nice and slow......which means nice and painful. It feels like a bee sting that lasts for 60 seconds. Unfortunately there isn't anything fun about this whole process.
Otherwise I have just felt pretty tired and don't have much energy. My sister Toni has been here since Christmas to help out and it has been awesome. She comes over everyday and helps with the kids, laundry, or whatever needs to be done. We took the kids swimming yesterday at the Greeley family fun plex. It has a park area in the kids pool that has water squirting out of the equipment. They also have a lazy river pool. It was pretty fun for the kids. We had another round of snow last Friday and Jon couldn't make it to work. We are supposed to have snow for the next couple days again. The snow still hasn't melted here from our first huge blizzard before Christmas. It has been interesting trying to navigate around the neighborhoods.
My sister in law Brandy had her surgery yesterday to remove the tumor that was growing on her kidney. They ended up removing the mass and also removing the kidney. They will get the biopsy results back tomorrow. Hopefully everything is fine with her. I posted some more pictures of the kids and some other misc pictures from over the last few weeks on my snapfish link.
Ladies, it is also buddy check 9 day yesterday so everyone remember to do your self breast exams. Hope everyone is doing well!!

Tues Jan 2nd

I have to admit that every one's going to be jealous of my new year. Feeling like junk for most of the day my hubby and I were in bed (sleeping, ha) by 10:30. We were defiantly living it up! I didn't get a kiss at midnight but I did get one before I went to bed :-) What a good sport my husband is. He is back to working days, which I love. I don't have to worry about being loud here during the day (impossible with 3 kids) and I hate sleeping alone. He keeps me warm!

It is official, I have lost all but one of my fingernails in the last week. That's hot, as Paris Hilton would say. I know, I would say back! I have really underestimated the convenience of having fingernails for pretty much my whole life. It makes things like scratching almost impossible. My hair is also growing back on some parts of my head. Yes, I have lost hair pretty much everywhere else on my body. Also hot! I am still torturing myself by shaving my legs at least once a week, even though I don't need to. I don't know what to say, except it helps me to feel normal. Besides I bet if I looked really closely I could find a hair or two there that needed to be shaved.......At least that is what I am saying to myself to justify the extra time and energy in the shower. Why bother checking, I am sure they are there. Right, moving on....... I am still feeling nauseous on and off through the day, so I am still taking my anti-nausea meds and trying to take it easy. My sister Toni is here for almost the whole month to help me out and we did all sorts of errands today and then relaxed for the afternoon. I have spent the last few days researching this new procedure that they are wanting to do for surgery. It is called wire localization and I explained it a bit in my last post. After reading more about it I have to go into the radiologist and have the wire placed before the surgery is done, meaning I am not under general anesthesia for it. If you remember my nightmare biopsy story with the radiologist you will understand why I have been taking my anti anxiety meds for the last 48 hours freaking out about the fact I have to be awake for yet another "minor procedure" as they would put it. Needless to say I am NOT excited about this but am still trying to weigh the pros and cons of everything. I go in for Herceptin tomorrow am. (wasn't I just there???) I feel like I need to start paying rent at the doctor's office. Although if it costs what they are charging me for chemo by the hour, it better be the Ritz. Speaking of which, I might put a suggestion in the box of my insurance company that they should start sending their patients on vacation to help relieve the stress of serious illnesses. I am sure it doesn't cost any more to go on vacation for a week than some of the out of control prescription costs!!

Fri Dec 29th

For those of you not around Colorado we are receiving our 2nd huge snow storm in the last week. The airport is closed yet again and we are snowed into the house to enjoy each other's company...or better yet misery :-) It is supposed to snow until Sunday morning. We are counting down the min to nap time at the moment.

There were a few people that were asking me about my port, so I thought I would take a picture of it....

It is on my left side between my shoulder and my chest. The scar is from where they had to cut to insert it under my skin. It looks like a pop bottle cap sitting under the skin and then they just poke the needle in the middle of it each time. The line goes up into my neck and feeds into one of the major arteries that goes to my heart. So there is the scoop on that.

I went to chemo on Wednesday with my sisters Toni and Amy and also my mom. We saw the nurse practitioner Lisa and she had said that another option for surgery would be to go in and have the radiologist place clips in my breast around the perimeter of where the tumor was first discovered. Then they would go in a remove that whole area and examine it under the microscope to see if there were any remaining microscopic cancer cells left. This was another option if I wanted to do a breast conservation surgery. Seeing as how I am not all that well endowed in the first place going in a taking a mass out that was 4 cm by 3 cm would leave me not very well proportioned between the left and right side. She also explained that they usually will not consider doing reconstruction if you are doing a lumpectomy. After hearing that news I had decided that I would probably still go with a mastectomy on the right side.

Both Amy and Toni stayed with me through treatment and mom went and got all of us Red Robin for lunch. Treatment last most of the afternoon and by the time I got home at 5pm or so I was feeling pretty horrible. I spent the rest of the night in bed or hanging over the toilet.

Thursday I went to hydration (just to get fluids) with my sister Toni and her husband Doug. This usually helps you to stay better hydrated and feeling better overall.

Dr. Medgyese came in to speak with me during my hydration time on Thursday. She said after hearing my thoughts on the new line of thinking for surgery she had contacted some of her colleagues at MD Anderson and came up with a new option since that last one wasn't as cosmetically acceptable. Since I already have a clip that was placed in the center of the tumor when the biopsy was done they will take that clip and have the radiologist attach a wire to it so the surgeon will be able to locate it easily. They will then take a lump out of the breast about a centimeter in diameter and look at that under the microscope. If it is clear of microscopic cancer seed cells that is the end of the surgery. If there are still cancer cells in there they will go ahead and do a mastectomy while I am still in the OR. Either way they will also be doing an auxiliary lymph node dissection of an area under my arm. I feel pretty comfortable with this new line of thinking in that I might be able to conserve my breast and not have to worry about multiple reconstructive surgeries more than a year away. I will still have to do radiation after surgery no matter what option is done.

I still felt pretty horrible for the rest of the day on Thursday as well. This treatment is proving to be the hardest as far as nausea goes. Good news is that I got to skip doing the Neulasta shot this time. I am still feeling really nauseous even this morning. I called the doctor to skip my hydration this morning since it would probably be more trouble than it was worth to try to get out to the doctor. The merry maids did make it to my house this morning so that was a good thing, at least we don't have to worry about getting the house put together. Here is a cute picture of Jon and I at his parents house for Christmas.

Tues Dec 26th

I am feeling pretty close to normal which is a good sign that another Chemo is just around the corner. (Darn) I have had the worst cramps I have ever experienced the last few days which has been my only complaint. I guess that is what I get when I haven't had "that time of the month" in about 3 months and then get it again. So looking forward to another round of chemo on Wednesday and then hydration on Thursday and Friday.
I received some bad news on Sunday about someone I see at Chemo every now and again. Randy was 16 and diagnosed with leukemia and then found out last month that he had relasped and could do nothing else to treat his cancer. He passed away on Saturday night. He was always so happy. It is so sad that he was so young and his life was claimed by this horrible disease. I wish his family peace during this time.
It was a white Christmas this year and that is pretty exciting. Haven't had one of those in a few years. I have really enjoyed that it feels like winter outside. We had someone do the 12 days of Christmas for us this year which was pretty fun. For those of you unfamiliar with this someone leaves little goodies for you on your door starting with 12 days before Christmas every night that correlates with the song the 12 days of Christmas. The kids had a fun time looking outside to see what was left at the door.
My sister Toni and her husband Doug were still able to make it here on Friday from Salt Lake and it has been fun to have all my brothers and sisters here. Doug shaved his head for me a few days before they got here. They were going to shave their dog Buddy's head too. That would have been hilarious. Toni is taking a leave of absence from work to help me out for the next month. She will stay through the 25th of January and my last bad treatment will be the 17th so that will be a huge help for me. What a great sister!

Jon and I went to our friend's the Morby's on Friday to do Fondue night with Heath and Alyssa Morby, Aislinn and Desi Valdez, and Mike and Michelle Sims. We have done it a few times in the past and is becoming a fun event to have every few months. On Saturday we went out to eat with all the "adults" in my family to the Outback. It was nice to have a night with the adults and leave the kiddos at home. Jon and I were also able to escape to a movie afterwards which was a bonus. I love being able to go on a "date night" with just the two of us.
On Sunday we spent the afternoon with Jon's parents and the kids over in Windsor. Presents were of course a big hit with the kids. A CD/Tape player for Olivia, doll and stroller for Alex, and a little people farm for Cody. They also got a play tent for all of them. We had a nice time visiting and exchanging gifts and are so glad they live close by. We made it home fairly early which was a good thing since the twins skipped their nap and we were all exhausted. Jon and I were in bed and asleep before 10 which is unheard of under this roof.
Christmas day we got up and headed straight for my parents house. Santa knew we were going over there so he dropped off all of our stockings over there...(pretty smart guy, less for mom to keep track of Christmas morning) Like I mentioned earlier all of my siblings and their spouses and families were at my parents house this year so we had a house - full. It was awesome. 13 adults and 10 kids. I loved it. Presents everywhere and all sorts of commotion. I can't think of anywhere else in the world I would have rather been. My sister Toni had bought these "bald wigs" for everyone and we took a family picture with all the baldies....

How funny is that?? I thought it was great. Again, presents were a big hit on Christmas day. Lego's, movies, barbies, clothes. Good times. We all just hung out around the house for most of the day and then I went to see a movie with my mom and sisters, The Holiday. It was defiantly a chick flick, but I thought it was pretty good. If your into chick flicks :-)

Today I just hung out around the house trying to get all sorts of little things done around the house before I feel like bologna for the next week. My sister Amy came over and helped me take down my Christmas tree and go through some baby clothes that I wanted to get out of storage. Yeah, lots to pass on or take to good will and get out of my basement. Also nice to have my house back to normal. My sister Toni and her husband Doug took Olivia and my other nephew Cole sledding this morning. This has become one of her favorite things and has already been twice with Toni since she has been here. Jon installed my Christmas present in my car (some IPod remote thing). Looks pretty cool and I am excited to use it.

I just can't believe how lucky I am to have such an awesome and supportive family and a great husband. I don't know where I would be without them. I can't believe that he still thinks I am cute with no fingernails or hair, what is he thinking?? Okay, I put lots more pictures on my link from last month so feel free to check those out, mostly of my cute kids :-)

Wed Dec 20th

BRRR! It's a blizzard out there! I went this morning to do my Herceptin at the cancer center and it was windy but not very much snow was on the ground. By the time we left around 9:45 it was coming down hard. Olivia had her Christmas sing-a-long program at school this morning which was pretty cute and entertaining. About 40 or 50 three and four year old jingling their hand bells and singing a variety of Christmas and kids songs. They even did sign language for twinkle twinkle little star. Pretty cute. My mom, sister Amy, and myself tried to go shopping this afternoon but when we got to Penny's they were closing at 2pm due to the snow. When we left there it took about 45 min to get home from Fort Collins and decided we better stay at home for the rest of the day. Jon went out with his friend Desi and played in the Jeep pulling people out of the snow that were stuck and being your typical boys. I am sure they had the time of their lives. I am feeling fairly normal, which is nice. Other than my fingernails being extreamly tender and having a stuffy nose at night I feel okay. I think we are going to be snowed in for the rest of the week. Our house has huge snow drifts all around it. I think I will be a white Christmas!

Friday Dec 15th

It's been a week since my Neulasta shot and I am still noticing the lower back pain. At least Ibuprofen does the trick, I no longer have to take the pain pills for it. I am doing pretty well otherwise. If I am careful and eat the second I get hungry I don't get sick to my stomach. I haven't had to take my nausea meds since Wednesday. Still feel pretty low on energy though and that is hard to deal with. My middle fingernails are now starting to come off as well as my thumbs. Yuck is all I have to say about that.
I went into do my Herceptin on Wednesday and that only took about an hour which is a nice switch from being there several hours on the regular treatment days. I also went down to the airport with my Mom and Dad to pick up my sister Amy and her kids. It was great to be able to see them.

Thursday was busy here at my house. I had my sister and her kids over, so all the kids had a great time being able to play with their cousins and Amy helped me do some stuff around the house that I wanted to get done. I had my friend Angela stop by for awhile with her baby Madison who I haven't seen in quite awhile so it was great to be able to visit with her and catch up. Also my brother Ethan and his wife Brandy and their new baby Isis stopped by for a bit. They are adjusting well to being new parents. Brandy has talked with her doctors more about her options and they are thinking that they will have to remove her kidney, the tumor growing on the kidney, and also part of her spleen after the first of the year. They will not know much more about it until after it is removed and a biopsy is performed. In the afternoon Olivia and Cole made gingerbread cookies and had a good time decorating them. We all had a big family dinner at my parent's house last night with all my brothers and sisters that are here. Toni is the only one were missing and her and Doug will be here next Friday. We are all so excited to see them!

One of my friends from my twins club here in town emailed me this morning and sent me some pictures of her twin boys, Will and DJ. They both shaved their heads for me yesterday. Their mom was telling them about my progress after reading my blog and they said they wanted to shave their heads to help me. They are so cute!! Thanks boys, I put your name on the groupies list.

Monday Dec 11

I am not on the ball this month! Buddy check 9 day was on Saturday so don't forget to do your monthly self breast exam this month. There is a link to 9 news on the side bar for those that want more information about the self breast exam.
The bone pain is still ever present. I feel like I was hit by a train. My lower back (pelvis) is still the most uncomfortable but my ribs, shoulder blades, and bottom of my skull all hurt also. The nausea still comes in waves but it hasn't been constant. The nurse said that the bone pain can last up to 6 days so hopefully we are getting into the last few days.
On Saturday we had Jon's aunt and uncle John and Clara over for the afternoon to exchange gifts. They brought us a yummy honey baked ham for dinner and we really enjoyed getting the time to visit. My sister Amy and her kids are flying into Denver on Wednesday and will be here for a few weeks. We are so excited to see her.

Friday Dec 8

It seems like an eternity since my last post....My cold is now gone, finally, and the mouth sore is almost gone. Along with both my pointer fingernails I should add. I am guessing by the way my nails look I will loose at least 4 others if not more. B-E-A-utiful. (Bruce Almighty quote for those of you that missed the joke:-) As long as we are on the subject of things falling off my hair is also falling out again. I haven't had to shave my legs or armpits all week and I am down to a few sporadic eyebrows. My lashes are still hanging on at this point. At least this time it isn't a big deal, being as though it is almost non-existent any-who. From what I am told I should expect to but a cue ball head for the next little bit, no more of this super short hair, we are going for no hair and a shiny head. BRRR is all I have to say this time of year.
Wednesday I went in for my "FEC Chemo Cocktail" as us chemo regulars refer to it as. I was able to avoid my cytoxin headache this time by having that medication infused slower so that was one good point. My port still is tender and hurt somewhat to be accessed even though I had my emla cream on it so I opted to leave it "tapped" to go in for hydration on both Thursday and today. I wonder if that stupid thing will ever not bother me?? The downside to Chemo was my blood counts White count is at 3.5 and Red count is at 4.05. Since normal range for white starts at 4.1 I had to plan on taking the dreaded Neulasta shot the following day. Darn it! They give my body time to take on the Chemo for a day before the cells start reproducing and then give me the Neulasta shot the next day to start producing more White cells. My Red counts were down also but they didn't seem to be as worried about them. The rest of the Chemo process was fairly non eventful.
I also had an appointment with Dr. Medgeyesy yesterday. I just love her. I can't help but think I won the lottery in being led to this woman. She still wants to consult with my surgeon Dr. Chiavetta more about my options for surgery but would recommend me still doing a mastectomy on the right side. Due to not enough evidence of the way a tumor shrinks they are not sure if microscopic cancer seed cells would still be laying on the outer edges of where the tumor started out. She explained that if I were 60 and we were finding this she would feel that going in and trying to do a lumpectomy in the area where the breast clip is currently located along with a partial removal of lymph nodes under my arm would be a possibility and get me through another 20 years. Since I am so young she said if it were her she would elect to do the mastectomy. From her explanation of the "shrinking" process I feel pretty confident in saying that I concur with her opinion. (another movie line from catch me if you can) I still have questions about whether or not it is a good idea to go ahead and do a bilateral mastectomy since I still do I have a somewhat higher probability of getting cancer again on the left side but need to get some other questions answered from my surgeon, plastic surgeon, and also insurance company first and foremost. This crap ain't free :-) You are always having to get permission from someone unfortunately. I feel a little more clear about the path we are headed down for surgery but not any less anxious about it.
The rest of my day on Wednesday was pretty rough. Lots of nausea, but no throwing up. Thursday I went in and did hydration in the morning with Jon and Olivia. Olivia has been asking since day one when she gets to go to the doctor with me and since this way hydration and takes just over an hour and Dad came with us I thought it would be a good day for her to go. She brought her "church bag" and read books and colored with dad. She got to meet the nurses at the office and also hang out with Lanie and Karin again. Yesterday was Karin's last day of chemo, and Lanie finished her chemo about 2 weeks ago. YOU GO GIRLS!! Of course we took some pictures and I posted them up on the snapfish link on the side of the page that says "Eliza's Pictures". I also had to get that Neulasta shot yesterday. Olivia said "Don't worry I will hold your hand mom." Which she soon regretted when I was squeezing all her fingers together. Whoops. Those shots hurt though, darn it. I think she had a good time with her dad there to entertain her and I knew her curiosity was getting the best of her wondering what I did at the doctor's office all the time. Thursday was more of the same experiencing heavy nausea but no throwing up and my pelvis started to hurt. My mom did the oils on my feet and I was so relaxed I went right to bed a little after 9pm. Unfortunately my son was up about 6 times between the hours of 2am and 4:30am. What a weirdo. He kept waking up screaming like he was having bad dreams and then he decided that he had a cough, so I had to get up and get him cough medicine. Then I think he was just mad that he was awake and couldn't get up and play so he just sat in bed and yelled until he fell back to sleep. That left me laying in bed awake on and off trying to keep from laying on the "tapped" port and then having Jon roll into bed at about 5:30 or so. This working nights bologna is not the fun route to go.
Hydration again today at 10:30 coupled with a serious dose of Ativan (for nausea). The Merry Maids came by to do my bathrooms and kitchen, which has been a godsend. I get 2 certificates a month to use at participating providers for Hope Lives! a support group in Fort Collins and I use both of them for cleaning my house. I love it. It takes so much energy to do that kind of stuff and it's so nice to leave and come home to a clean house. I also started taking my pain meds for bone pain this afternoon. The pelvis pain is well underway. I was warned this would probably be the first to start to ache since it is such a large bone.
I have to say thanks to everyone that helped us out this week from dinners, to watching kids, doing laundry, wrapping my Christmas presents, running kids around, and calling to check in. You guys are awesome, and I wouldn't be able to do make it without and you!!

Mon Dec 5th

Well another day another side effect.......I am finally getting over my cold but now I am dealing with mouth sores. I am one on the very end of my tongue that is killing me. It is about the size of a pea which as far as mouth sores go is the size of a crater. I have decided that sores on your tongue and especially at the tip of your tongue might be the worse place to have them. You don't realize how much your darn tongue moves around for talking, eating, picking your teeth, etc. I also have a permanent retainer on the back of my bottom teeth that it conveniently rubs against all the time. I wish I could just bite it off. Needless to say I have been dealing with this sore being extremely painful for 3 days now. I am using the Ambesol numbing gel about every 45 min. I think the package says use 4 times a day.....I guess I may be overdosing??? Oh well, whatever works I guess is what I am going to go with. In the meantime my meals have been restricted to pretty much nothing besides ensure, carrot/apple juice, and anything else REALLY soft.
Also my bruising fingernails have now shown signs of falling off. Both my pointer fingers are working their way to about 1/2 way hanging on and the other ones aren't far behind that. Nice.... So I guess those dreams of keeping my fingernails are also going to be shattered. They don't really hurt, they are just tender. But they look awful. I am going to start wearing hats and gloves both. There isn't much that is fun about this unfortunately. I guess the whole idea of having a horrible week and then 2 good weeks is not realistic. For now I will have to say a horrible week and then 2 mediocre weeks.
I am already due to have my next FEC treatment this Wednesday so back to my nasty week without having very much normalcy since my previous treatment. DANG!! We put out all our Christmas decorations yesterday and put up our Christmas tree. I just love this time of year. I have been listening to Christmas songs every change I get and I love the smell of the tree in the house. I could do without the pine needles but I suppose that is just a part of it unless you want to break down and buy a fake tree. (which Jon refuses to do) Maybe I can get one on an after Christmas sale.
We also found out today that my sister-in-law Brandy that just had the baby still hasn't been released from the hospital due to her high blood pressure. She had the baby last Tuesday. Yesterday they decided to run some tests and have found that her kidney is 4 larger than normal. They will be doing some blood work and other tests to find out what exactly is going on later today. Let's hope that she is alright, adjusting to having a new baby is enough to deal with.