Friday Feb 23rd

"There's nothing like a left threatening illness to make you think about what's important. Even if you're not going to die anytime soon, the thought of the possibility of death is enough to get your mind to focus. You grab on to the things in your life that are a blessing and a privilege to be a part of, and you tend to let go of the things that aren't. Treatment sometimes makes it impossible to enjoy these things- but the hope is that treatment is only temporary."

This is out of a book I started to read a few days ago called The Victoria Secret Catalog never stops coming. Embarking on my mastectomy surgery I thought this might be an amusing read over the next few days. (Thanks Jennifer!) I read this last night and it helped me to relax my mind a bit.
It has been a pretty long week. Jon has been working out of town again and the kids have been pretty well behaved but I am a nervous wreak. I am getting ready for my surgery next Wednesday. I went to Herceptin on Wednesday afternoon and then went and registered Olivia for Kindergarten. I can't believe that she is already old enough to be going to Kindergarten. Yesterday I had my friend Shari offer to come over and help me out with the kids while I ran some errands and went to a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. It is so much easier to do errands without dragging 3 kids in and out of every place that should be a quick stop. I went to see Dr. Tsoi (pronounced Choy) yesterday afternoon. He is a plastic surgeon. I wanted to have a realistic idea of the outcome of my body after all this cancer business. He told me that because I was going to do radiation that the route of reconstruction relying on tissue expander's and an implant probably wasn't going to work for me. Radiation leaves the skin very UN-flexible and hard to work with. He explained that it fries all the blood vessels in the skin. He said that a better route for me to go was to do a TRAM surgery which would transplant tissue from my tummy or my back into my breast area to get the blood circulation back in that area and provide better insulation for an implant. Being that I have about zero extra skin or fat on my tummy he suggested that taking it from my back was a better plan. I was pretty depressed to hear this news. Not only would I have to deal with healing around my breast but also in the area where the tissue is transplanted. Not to mention the giant scars it would leave in both places. Also the fact that the skin is a different color in those areas than it is in your breast. He also used the analogy that reconstruction surgery using transplanted tissue is like robbing Peter to pay Paul. Meaning I could have other complications in the area that tissue is taken from while trying to use those muscles that are no longer there. We watched a short video about reconstruction. (I love that all the women in these brochures and videos are at least 50) We also got to see pictures of other patients that have gone through the procedures. That was a treat. They are reconstructed so they look normal with clothes on, without is a different story. They look almost Frankenstein-ish. 2 different skin tones, scars everywhere. Women who were able to go the expander and implant route looked a million times better in my opinion. The goal is to appear normal over clothes but I just hadn't prepared myself enough I guess to look so different. I was so angry and depressed after leaving his office. I hate what cancer has done to me and what it is still going to be taking away from me! I guess you can't always have good days. I am still not having 2nd thoughts on doing the mastectomy, I just wish that I could face this part of my treatment thinking that I would still look OK in the end, maybe not great but not like Frankenstein. I am going to go and get a 2nd opinion after I start my radiation and they can see a little better what to expect with the skin damage from radiation. The one good news that I received was that I would only have to wait 6 months to start reconstruction (after radiation) and not a full year. Needless to say I am still feeling rather bummed and depressed today and now that much more nervous about my surgery that is only 5 days away. Leave me a comment and cheer me up!!