Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hump Day.....

So Wednesday still with 20 min to go until midnight. Ha! My bedtime keeps getting later and later these days with Jon working nights again. Especially this week.
I have to warn you this is going to be a rant and probably won't make any sense once the ambien starts to kick in but I have to get it off my chest. I don't know what my deal is but I am just going to get it out already. About 2 weeks ago I get a letter in the mail with my follow up appt schedule for my 6 month check up at the oncologist. This includes blood work, brain MRI, and then an appt in 2 weeks-ish. I have been ignoring the pit in my stomach the last little while being so busy with Relay as a great distraction but now that is over it is back to real life. Darn. Sitting at Relay through the luminaria ceremony and seeing all the names of loved ones who had lost their battles with cancer it is hard when you are thinking, "I know that is going to be me someday, but I hope it is a lot of some days away. A whole lot." I don't mean to think these things but I just can't help it. It is how I feel. So as much as I keep telling myself to quit being a wuss or to stop thinking about it, I just can't. It is always there teasing me in the back of my mind....time to go run your head through the tunnel, get a check on the brain in your head. Time to see if your cancer is throwing a party in your blood again or not. Seems so easy to forget about for a few months after the "alls clear" is called but the chance of hearing you might have it again being around the corner is putting me over the edge.
I thought with it being my busy few days with work that might help but really isn't so far. Dealing with real life emotions sucks compared to just doing the day to day stuff with the kids, the job, the husband. I wish I could go back to the days where my biggest concern in the world was where am I going to take the kids today to hang out? My vote for these "check ups" is for someone to come over and drag your dreaming unsuspecting butt out of bed and drive you to the blood lab and Imaging center and have it all be a big surprise and then get your results in 30 min. You know like those horrible parties your friends would have in high school going around and driving to each persons house and drag them out of bed to come over and have breakfast. Tell me if I am getting a little too creepy here...I hope my friends are the only weirdos that did this. full on dragged you out of bed and into a car as is.....good thing we weren't going out to eat a perkins and just my friends house, but what a grouchy bunch of teenagers we all were that morning. I would rather have that be a surprise then having to stress about it for the next 2 weeks and then no get the reports to my actual appointment. Maybe if I slip the MRI guy a Ben Franklin I can get on the spot results...stat! What do you think? All of course foolish ideas that will not work but would be nice if they would. Like random drug testing. Which I have no personal experience with but it's gotta work something like that. Just a phone call and say stop what your doing and hop in this tunnel we have to see if you have a normal brain or one of those brains.
Just some ranting to distract me from what I am really nervous about, as if it needs to be spelled out....damn cancer. I wonder how many times I have said that? Better add another one to the fire ...damn cancer. You've turned my world upside down , but I am still hanging on down here, even though I am upside down, and not planning on letting go anytime soon.
I was so excited to put the kids to be this evening and fall back into my reverie and turn on my tunes and relax. When I say relax, I mean go back to work. But I don't have to watch sponge bob, max and ruby, Thomas, or dora. I get to listen to my tunes. I love listening to music and I must also admit that I like to listen to it LOUD. This plan usually doesn't work out with kids trying to sleep, but most nights I put on the headphones and jam out blocking out the reality behind me and probably scaring my kids as they go to sleep listening to mommy try to sing what ever is on her headphones. Hey, a chick's got to find her "happy place" somewhere. I guess if it comes to the expense of my kids having to listen to their mom sing here and there oh well. I am pretty sure they don't think I am a complete loon yet, but I am sure they will some day. So back to my reverie...listening to music and listening loud and trying to focus on anything except what is bothering me. After all it isn't going to go away. I guess I have to just kick up my boots and go deal with it. Let's hope I don't get the crappy sticker(as in needle jabber) I got last time. I seriously have veins any nurse would die for. they practically pop through my skin fighting about which one is the biggest and best to use. I would be a great heroine addict, I don't think I could even miss those with n0 training. There is always the one that doesn't seem to understand that the vein is the blue one and the white part is just vein there Mame' you missed again. Not so much here or here ....but RIGHT HERE!! Hopefully she has next Tuesday off.
Sweet, sweet Ambien. thanks for rescuing me for the 3rd time this week. I am off to hallucinate on my way to bed since the screen is melting in front of my eyes and fall asleep listing to my tunes so my mind has no freedom to wander to nasty thoughts and places......


Michelle said...

Hang in there. I'll be praying for you and thinking about you. I hope all goes well and that you can find comfort leading up to your appointment.

If it's any comfort where the kids are concerned, my kids do think I am looney. Oh well, I think it is just part of being a mom.

Good Luck!! Love Ya!

New York Sims said...

Eliza, I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. I wish I could give you a huge hug...not that it would make it go away. I can't imagine the fear that you have to live with.

Know this - that we love you, will fight with you, and will always be here for you. I think you are amazing and strong, and so inspiring...whether you are fighting, or crying! Please take care.

Love you,

Spaces of Gray said...

You are strong and you are goes the blessing my best friend gives to her daughter every night. Indeed--all of us facing our own "shit in a basket delivered to the front porch" as I fondly have named my cancer diagnosis, find that the troughs of fear accompany the spikes of courage, and this too weaves us together to be fighters. Please blog as soon as you get your test results.

Thanks for inviting me so generously into this strange sisterhood--someday we'll come up with a kick-ass plan to exploit it for riches--which won't take away the pain, but endless pretty toes, spa days and Good Morning America bookings can't hurt, can they?